Thank you for writing about your experience with mushrooms and meditation. It encourages me to ponder what I think about this, as I wrestle with the idea of self. I keep practicing Buddhist meditation as an ordained Christian pastor because it helps me let go of the atomized Self we love so much in the West. Jesus once said we needed to lose our self in order to save it. I think he was talking about the separate self that we think is ours alone and the most important thing in the world. The separated and isolated self is the illusion. Our consciousness is a part of something greater. I may call that God, while others call it Being or Consciousness. The paradox is that as we let go of the self, the more we become free to be related to life around us, because we are a part of it. It makes us who we are, and we give our being over to it. Another way to say this is that the self exists only in relationship, but not as a completely separated entity. The separation is an illusion.
Thanks Todd, this is all so interesting and so true. I love that you practise meditation as a pastor and I didn't know Jesus said that but it sounds quite Buddhist-y! More evidence, to my mind, that religions are all just different ways of relating to the same questions. It seems like we could all do with working on 'losing' our selves because it's a way of developing greater compassion as well as feeling less alone and scared. No one is served by our tendency to close ourselves off.
Love how you articulate this. Funnily enough I also found myself writing about death this week without intending to. I do believe an awareness of death helps us live more fully and very much welcome these conversations 😊
Belated thanks for your comment Vicki. I feel like I've seen quite a few substackers addressing this issue lately and have been wondering if it's some sort of omen!! Maybe we are just collectively feeling very aware of our mortality at the moment. It is an important thing to talk about and we don't talk about it enough in our culture so I think we are doing the right thing!
Yes, definitely an important subject, and one that always draws me in. We are in the depths of winter here in the Southern Hemisphere which seems like a fitting time to explore death and the cycles of life...
Another interesting and thought provoking essay Kate! I hesitate to comment further because it all opens up a very large, complex compartment in my mind!..... Psilocybes have been a dear teacher for me. There is a funny link for me in reading this because around the time that I was processing a series of mushroom experiences, I felt drawn (and did) write an essay about the Tibetan Buddhist perspective on death. I never really linked that interest to my mushroom journeys as it was all just rolled into life at the time, but I will perhaps be thinking on that this week. As for death, I think my self is at peace with it (because it see me as a grain of person after all), but myself has a harder time with death because of all the relationships I am in on earth (ie my children). In the end, our parts are eternal but our "whole" self is temporary.
Thanks so much Lindsay (very belatedly) - I absolutely love that distinction between your self and yourself. I definitely feel this way too. When I think about the bigness of everything in relation to my own smallness, I feel at peace with it, but most of the time I am just living at my own scale and experiencing myself as the centre of my own universe. And when that perspective dominates, death feels very scary and sad because I don't want to be separated from all that I love here.
I would love to read that essay, is it on your Substack?
That all makes sense to me. Truly a shared human experience and an interesting one to be aware of.
Thanks for asking about the essay, but no it is not on Substack. I wrote it 20 years ago so who knows what dusty corner disk drive it is on! Perhaps I will dig it out sometime and revisit it. I remember reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead (specifically Chogyam Trungpa's translation, and the Dalai Lama's Sleeping and Dreaming, and Dying during the process of that essay. In the latter, the connections made between different states of consciousness are fascinating and indeed I have seen people in herbal clinic with insomnia related to fear of death.....ok that's a big side tangent so I'll leave it there!
I found this fascinating. I am one of those people who thinks about death a lot. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to it. I kinda can't wait to know what happens next.
Not that I want death to happen soon. I love life, I have many things I want to do, and I want to live every moment that's offered to me. I take every precaution to avoid death, but I've been released from the fear. Of course, this release has come with the ultimate price. I lost my daughter a year and a half ago. In the time since her death, the fear has left me.
The crazy thing about grief is that in addition to unbearable pain, it brings some beautiful gifts. Releasing the fear of death has made life even sweeter and more precious, every day, because I understand it WILL come to an end.
Exploring paths to acceptance of death, like you describe here, is worthwhile.
Thank you Tina - I'm so pleased you found it interesting because I love your writing! The only reason I don't comment all the time is because it's often so beautiful and moving that the only things I can think to say about it seem a bit trite in comparison. But I have been wondering if you know of the musician Nick Cave (of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - not sure how well known they are in the US). He has lost two sons but has become this incredibly eloquent voice on grief, beauty and spirituality and a lot of what he says chimes with what you say here - that terrible grief brings gifts with it too, in the form of a cherishing of life and its beauty that wouldn't have been accessible to him in the same way before he experienced those losses. He has talked about it on podcasts, his website/newsletter The Red Hand Files, and his book Faith, Hope, Carnage. I can see how grief on that scale would lead to a relinquishing of the fear of death - I love that you are excited to know what happens! That IS a gift, but not one that could ever come easily or without sacrifice, I'm sure. Thanks again!
Such a great piece, Kate. Funny how you discovered that you really wanted to write about death:) I lean toward the ideas you describe, the non-self, the self that's never the same from one moment to another. That's certainly my human experience! My emotions, my thoughts, my body, are never static. For many years, I've had an image resurface of being blown apart by wind, not in a gruesome sense, but in the sense of being solid and then disintegrating into dust. The image isn't frightening or worrisome. If anything, it feels like a relief, like now I finally get to rest, like a deep breath.
I haven't tried mushrooms, would like to, but am on some psychiatric medication that might not like my experimentation. I hope to get into a study someday so that I can have some monitoring during the process:)
Oooh, I have that image in my head too! I'm not sure where it came from, but it may have been planted there by this scene from the BBC adaptation of His Dark Materials, one of my favourite books ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3Kl49V87NU Then it probably lay in wait until I was ready for it, which I think came with the mushroom trip. Now I find it a very peaceful and comforting way to think about death, and I think it would probably make a good meditation visualisation too although I've yet to try that.
Sounds wise to tread carefully with mushrooms but a study could be a great way to try - I hope you get on one! Thanks for reading :)
Thanks for a great post. Reminding me of a friend who has a sticker on the inside of his dresser that says “I might die today”. Not to be morbid, but to remind him of this precious life he has, and to use his day beautifully.
I love that! I am full of admiration for people who can fully acknowledge and accept the idea of death without spiralling into anxiety. I'm working on that...
Interesting. I believe the self to be part of a much larger self, or Self, and I've been getting in touch with that through practising TM. Gibran writes about the self behind all our selves, silent and watching. I like the Indian philosophy about death: it's described as the great sleep (sleep is the little death). Yogananda said that death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. I agree with you that the process involved is not something to look forward to (getting ill, or decrepit, or both). I once read that what many people find hard is imagining the fact of one's own death: they think of themselves as being immortal despite all the evidence to the contrary, a delusion I suffer from as well.
Yes, I love that idea about a much larger self too. I was reading Alan Watts's 'The Book On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are' recently and he says something similar. He talks about an ancient Hindu idea of 'God' as a force that emerges up from the ground and links us all together, rather than a sort of divine monarch directing us from above. I'm not doing it justice but it's very interesting! I kind of wanted to address that here especially in relation to what I wrote in my last post about the idea of a collective self, but an essay isn't enough space!
Alan Watts gas a good grip on such things I think. On a slightly different note, is the Buddhist centre you go to the one in Bethnal Green? I remember that there was a lovely organic restaurant there.
Yes that's the one! I've been going for around ten years, but always in fits and starts. I've been once or twice to the North London Buddhist Centre too on Holloway Road which is part of the same order but a bit less of a meditation mecca. The Bethnal Green one gets super crowded sometimes.
Such a small world, eh Kate?! I didn't know of the Holloway road one, and believe it or not I've never been into the Bethnal Green one. Is it possible to just turn up or do you have to join or commit yourself?
Oh yes you can just turn up, no commitment required! They have various of drop-in classes throughout the week and also run courses and retreats. The 'real Buddhists' who've actually committed to being there regularly are in the minority I'd say.
Thank you for writing about your experience with mushrooms and meditation. It encourages me to ponder what I think about this, as I wrestle with the idea of self. I keep practicing Buddhist meditation as an ordained Christian pastor because it helps me let go of the atomized Self we love so much in the West. Jesus once said we needed to lose our self in order to save it. I think he was talking about the separate self that we think is ours alone and the most important thing in the world. The separated and isolated self is the illusion. Our consciousness is a part of something greater. I may call that God, while others call it Being or Consciousness. The paradox is that as we let go of the self, the more we become free to be related to life around us, because we are a part of it. It makes us who we are, and we give our being over to it. Another way to say this is that the self exists only in relationship, but not as a completely separated entity. The separation is an illusion.
Thanks Todd, this is all so interesting and so true. I love that you practise meditation as a pastor and I didn't know Jesus said that but it sounds quite Buddhist-y! More evidence, to my mind, that religions are all just different ways of relating to the same questions. It seems like we could all do with working on 'losing' our selves because it's a way of developing greater compassion as well as feeling less alone and scared. No one is served by our tendency to close ourselves off.
Love how you articulate this. Funnily enough I also found myself writing about death this week without intending to. I do believe an awareness of death helps us live more fully and very much welcome these conversations 😊
Belated thanks for your comment Vicki. I feel like I've seen quite a few substackers addressing this issue lately and have been wondering if it's some sort of omen!! Maybe we are just collectively feeling very aware of our mortality at the moment. It is an important thing to talk about and we don't talk about it enough in our culture so I think we are doing the right thing!
Yes, definitely an important subject, and one that always draws me in. We are in the depths of winter here in the Southern Hemisphere which seems like a fitting time to explore death and the cycles of life...
Another interesting and thought provoking essay Kate! I hesitate to comment further because it all opens up a very large, complex compartment in my mind!..... Psilocybes have been a dear teacher for me. There is a funny link for me in reading this because around the time that I was processing a series of mushroom experiences, I felt drawn (and did) write an essay about the Tibetan Buddhist perspective on death. I never really linked that interest to my mushroom journeys as it was all just rolled into life at the time, but I will perhaps be thinking on that this week. As for death, I think my self is at peace with it (because it see me as a grain of person after all), but myself has a harder time with death because of all the relationships I am in on earth (ie my children). In the end, our parts are eternal but our "whole" self is temporary.
Thanks so much Lindsay (very belatedly) - I absolutely love that distinction between your self and yourself. I definitely feel this way too. When I think about the bigness of everything in relation to my own smallness, I feel at peace with it, but most of the time I am just living at my own scale and experiencing myself as the centre of my own universe. And when that perspective dominates, death feels very scary and sad because I don't want to be separated from all that I love here.
I would love to read that essay, is it on your Substack?
That all makes sense to me. Truly a shared human experience and an interesting one to be aware of.
Thanks for asking about the essay, but no it is not on Substack. I wrote it 20 years ago so who knows what dusty corner disk drive it is on! Perhaps I will dig it out sometime and revisit it. I remember reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead (specifically Chogyam Trungpa's translation, and the Dalai Lama's Sleeping and Dreaming, and Dying during the process of that essay. In the latter, the connections made between different states of consciousness are fascinating and indeed I have seen people in herbal clinic with insomnia related to fear of death.....ok that's a big side tangent so I'll leave it there!
I found this fascinating. I am one of those people who thinks about death a lot. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to it. I kinda can't wait to know what happens next.
Not that I want death to happen soon. I love life, I have many things I want to do, and I want to live every moment that's offered to me. I take every precaution to avoid death, but I've been released from the fear. Of course, this release has come with the ultimate price. I lost my daughter a year and a half ago. In the time since her death, the fear has left me.
The crazy thing about grief is that in addition to unbearable pain, it brings some beautiful gifts. Releasing the fear of death has made life even sweeter and more precious, every day, because I understand it WILL come to an end.
Exploring paths to acceptance of death, like you describe here, is worthwhile.
Thank you Tina - I'm so pleased you found it interesting because I love your writing! The only reason I don't comment all the time is because it's often so beautiful and moving that the only things I can think to say about it seem a bit trite in comparison. But I have been wondering if you know of the musician Nick Cave (of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - not sure how well known they are in the US). He has lost two sons but has become this incredibly eloquent voice on grief, beauty and spirituality and a lot of what he says chimes with what you say here - that terrible grief brings gifts with it too, in the form of a cherishing of life and its beauty that wouldn't have been accessible to him in the same way before he experienced those losses. He has talked about it on podcasts, his website/newsletter The Red Hand Files, and his book Faith, Hope, Carnage. I can see how grief on that scale would lead to a relinquishing of the fear of death - I love that you are excited to know what happens! That IS a gift, but not one that could ever come easily or without sacrifice, I'm sure. Thanks again!
Such a great piece, Kate. Funny how you discovered that you really wanted to write about death:) I lean toward the ideas you describe, the non-self, the self that's never the same from one moment to another. That's certainly my human experience! My emotions, my thoughts, my body, are never static. For many years, I've had an image resurface of being blown apart by wind, not in a gruesome sense, but in the sense of being solid and then disintegrating into dust. The image isn't frightening or worrisome. If anything, it feels like a relief, like now I finally get to rest, like a deep breath.
I haven't tried mushrooms, would like to, but am on some psychiatric medication that might not like my experimentation. I hope to get into a study someday so that I can have some monitoring during the process:)
Oooh, I have that image in my head too! I'm not sure where it came from, but it may have been planted there by this scene from the BBC adaptation of His Dark Materials, one of my favourite books ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3Kl49V87NU Then it probably lay in wait until I was ready for it, which I think came with the mushroom trip. Now I find it a very peaceful and comforting way to think about death, and I think it would probably make a good meditation visualisation too although I've yet to try that.
Sounds wise to tread carefully with mushrooms but a study could be a great way to try - I hope you get on one! Thanks for reading :)
I think it would make a good meditation. Will take a look at the link:)
Thanks for a great post. Reminding me of a friend who has a sticker on the inside of his dresser that says “I might die today”. Not to be morbid, but to remind him of this precious life he has, and to use his day beautifully.
I love that! I am full of admiration for people who can fully acknowledge and accept the idea of death without spiralling into anxiety. I'm working on that...
Interesting. I believe the self to be part of a much larger self, or Self, and I've been getting in touch with that through practising TM. Gibran writes about the self behind all our selves, silent and watching. I like the Indian philosophy about death: it's described as the great sleep (sleep is the little death). Yogananda said that death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. I agree with you that the process involved is not something to look forward to (getting ill, or decrepit, or both). I once read that what many people find hard is imagining the fact of one's own death: they think of themselves as being immortal despite all the evidence to the contrary, a delusion I suffer from as well.
Yes, I love that idea about a much larger self too. I was reading Alan Watts's 'The Book On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are' recently and he says something similar. He talks about an ancient Hindu idea of 'God' as a force that emerges up from the ground and links us all together, rather than a sort of divine monarch directing us from above. I'm not doing it justice but it's very interesting! I kind of wanted to address that here especially in relation to what I wrote in my last post about the idea of a collective self, but an essay isn't enough space!
Alan Watts gas a good grip on such things I think. On a slightly different note, is the Buddhist centre you go to the one in Bethnal Green? I remember that there was a lovely organic restaurant there.
Yes that's the one! I've been going for around ten years, but always in fits and starts. I've been once or twice to the North London Buddhist Centre too on Holloway Road which is part of the same order but a bit less of a meditation mecca. The Bethnal Green one gets super crowded sometimes.
Such a small world, eh Kate?! I didn't know of the Holloway road one, and believe it or not I've never been into the Bethnal Green one. Is it possible to just turn up or do you have to join or commit yourself?
Oh yes you can just turn up, no commitment required! They have various of drop-in classes throughout the week and also run courses and retreats. The 'real Buddhists' who've actually committed to being there regularly are in the minority I'd say.
Great. I will try and drop in there one of these days. Thanks!