“the work I was then doing did not leave me space to look for magic”
This. Exactly this. I feel like it’s so hard to explain the low grade, persistent unhappiness that an unfulfilling job can bring. I don’t seem unhappy, there are many things I enjoy in life - and yes, even in work. But it’s not magical and it leaves very little room for creativity and whatever other activities that bring magic into my life. However, allowing myself these thoughts feels more like an extreme form of privilege than a good enough reason to quit.
You're right, it's really hard. I don't know your background but a lot of us have the Protestant work ethic as our cultural inheritance and have perhaps internalised the idea that work shouldn't be enjoyable, that there's virtue in the difficulty. And linked to that, we are supposed to feel grateful to have jobs at all, especially if it's in a sector that seems at all prestigious. Being able to say 'I work in publishing' had quite a lot of cultural capital and I enjoyed being able to say it, but the enjoyment didn't go much further than that, which felt telling. (In the end I came to feel that I was taking a job that someone else would kill for, and I should liberate the position for one of them - they were welcome to it!) There's a great quote I've seen doing the rounds on Substack, most recently shared by @Don Boivin, which might help you to lean into those sorts of thoughts without feeling guilty about your privilege: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman
Absolutely, in my family there was definitely a Calvinist attitude towards work and life in general. Add to that a very strong focus on (financial) security and you have an excellent recipe for ‘sticking it out’ rather than taking a risk for a happier life.
I love that quote thought! Such a good reminder and definitely something I’m working on - the making myself feel alive part. For now mainly outside of work, but I don’t rule out that that will change ;)
Outside of work is so important too! And there's no pressure to make big changes, or to hurry. I knew from the earliest days that my job wasn't ultimately right for me, but I still stuck it out for five years and I don't regret it at all, or wish I'd moved faster. If ever the time is right, you'll know!
I loved this essay Kate, having just quit myself (sans magic mushrooms) I felt a hard relate to that feeling of losing your creativity to an overwhelming workload. I'm still worried on the daily about whether I made the right decision but reading your words was a little nod of reassurance x
I'm so glad! It is definitely not a fix-all because you do end up worrying about different things. But I think it is so worth it to have the mental space even if you end up going back to a similar job a few months later. Not sure if you've actually finished work yet but fwiw I was consumed with anxiety throughout my notice period. But once I actually left, it mostly went away - or at least became easier to deal with! Best of luck with your next chapter!
Kate, I love this essay. I am always interested in reading about people who take the chance on changing their lives. The mushrooms-as-catalyst aspect is fascinating.
Twenty+ years ago my husband and I made the joint decision to walk (ok, drive) away from our traditional suburban life, his stressful job, and our separate and quite unequal roles as breadwinner and homemaker.
That decision changed everything.
I am grateful we were both equally up for taking the risk. Taking the first leap of faith makes the next one easier.
Thank you so much, Tina, I'm really glad you enjoyed it. The role of the mushrooms is fascinating to me too - I do wonder how long it would have taken me to reach that realisation without them. Perhaps we always need some kind of catalyst to give us the courage - in your case the fact that you had a partner in crime who was up for it too. Such wise words that 'taking the first leap of faith makes the next one easier', too - I definitely feel this. Since the mushroom experience I feel much less inclined to worry about all the bad things that *might* happen through taking a risk and more inclined to think of all the good things that *definitely won't* happen without taking one. Not to say I haven't had some horribly anxious moments about it all. But I have never doubted that it's the right thing to do.
Beautiful. Poetic. As an author, I too, can tell you that it's hard to keep the magic with the metrics. Thanks for such a thought-provoking essay. I am grateful.
Mushrooms did a lot for me too. I think they take what’s already in your mind and refashion it so you understand it from an entirely new perspective. They helped me gain so many insights into my state of mind and while I gave them up quite some time ago, I’m kind of inspired to purchase some more.
I can totally understand how it was transformative for you! Best of luck on your new path.
Yes, that's spot on - I think that's exactly what they do! I hope you find something valuable if you decide to dabble again. And thank you so much for reading and commenting!
This was such a joy to read! I love that magic mushrooms opened you to the idea that you didn’t have to keep doing work you didn’t love. I’m not sure what moment that happened to me. I suppose it was more of a gradual dawning. Thank you for sharing my post. I’m honored to be included! And enjoy the writing!!
Thank you, Anne! Yes, I think the mushrooms told me something I already knew deep down, but I don't know how long it would have taken me to uncover that knowledge on my own. I am glad I had the realisation well before I burnt out! And of course, I couldn't not mention your essay. I feel very lucky that I get to write one in the same tradition!
Yes, so good that you are getting out while you’re still young! It is painful to go through burn out, and takes years to recover from it. I’m not entirely sure I ever will.
Yes, the more I read about it the more I understand how damaging it is. And it feels like no profession is free of that risk. Maybe gardening? 😂 It's one of the reasons I didn't want to pursue am academic career after my PhD, but it seems to lurk around every corner whatever you do, and you have to take very conscious and deliberate steps to avoid it. I had colleagues I could see were on the point of burning out and it felt like only a matter of time before we'd hear that so-and-so is on long term sick leave. I'm so sorry it has had such an impact on your life but glad you have got out of the rat race and are living your best life now!
I had a similar experience during an incredibly awe-inspiring motorbike trip I have yet to write about. The boundaries of my mind just kind of melted and suddenly all at once I knew: I did not have to go back to my life — I could actually stay on the road — everything I thought I had to do was just fear-based... and so here I am, in Southeast Asia and on Substack. Here's to entering the unknown and following our creative passions to the end <3
Oh, Kate! I’m so sorry to hear of your experience having access to the numbers on your own book. That sounds so painful. I especially felt it when you said the book was no longer the fulfillment of a childhood dream but had become something else because you knew that information. ❤️
Thank you, Christianne! Yeah, it wasn't great 😕 Hopefully I can learn from it so that if I get to publish something again I will worry less about such things. The same goes for reading Goodreads reviews too...
This is a wonderful tale of liberation, Kate! I loved reading it following you along as you journeyed through work-related angst, psychedelic openings, swatting through the fog of your own resistance and fear, and out the other end to a work-life that sounds much more aligned with who you really are.
I took a very similar route -- working first 10 years in a career that I thought I was 'supposed' to be in, based on family and cultural expectations (I worked in the mental health field), until I got so burned out I knew I couldn't take another step. My punt, what I called my 'hail Mary pass,' was to go to a wildly alternative graduate school in San Francisco for a master's degree in cultural anthropology. I had absolutely no idea how I would make a living from this, nor did I have the money to pay for the degree (thousands of dollars of student loans!). It was an insane move by many standards. But it worked for me, and I have never regretted that choice for a moment. I've had some completely unexpected stops on the livelihood train since then, and many moments of uncertainty (and student loan debt!). But I am so grateful for the causes and conditions that took me in this direction.
I look forward to watching you continue on the next steps of your journey!
Kate, I adore your list of ways of keeping yourself open to magic. So many are mine too--the swimming in cold water and leaning against trees and singing particularly. Glad you've found space for this opening. And glad I was pointed to this post.
Cool essay - you heard the call and described it so well. I'm trying to figure all this out from scratch and picking up the pieces while wondering where is life really going. Loved the descriptions, it was very resonant :)
Kate, this is a writer’s writing. Well done. Truly.
My 95 year old mother has not forgiven me for leaving the corner office for a writing life. Thirty years ago!
You were fortunate to see behind the curtain of the old guard publishing world. What a great opportunity to make your brave decision and live in a world where Substack exists!
I am excited for you. I am excited for all of us.🩵✍🏻🩵
Thank you so much, Katherine! What a compliment. I love hearing about people who did this years ago and haven't looked back! I agree I am fortunate. On days when I was really stressed and hating what I was doing I would remind myself that it would all be useful to me someday, and I really believe that's true. I think it's always helpful to know how the systems that influence are lives actually work in practice. And I am excited too! I have no expectation that Substack will help me out on this journey, but lots and lots of hope that it will.
“the work I was then doing did not leave me space to look for magic”
This. Exactly this. I feel like it’s so hard to explain the low grade, persistent unhappiness that an unfulfilling job can bring. I don’t seem unhappy, there are many things I enjoy in life - and yes, even in work. But it’s not magical and it leaves very little room for creativity and whatever other activities that bring magic into my life. However, allowing myself these thoughts feels more like an extreme form of privilege than a good enough reason to quit.
You're right, it's really hard. I don't know your background but a lot of us have the Protestant work ethic as our cultural inheritance and have perhaps internalised the idea that work shouldn't be enjoyable, that there's virtue in the difficulty. And linked to that, we are supposed to feel grateful to have jobs at all, especially if it's in a sector that seems at all prestigious. Being able to say 'I work in publishing' had quite a lot of cultural capital and I enjoyed being able to say it, but the enjoyment didn't go much further than that, which felt telling. (In the end I came to feel that I was taking a job that someone else would kill for, and I should liberate the position for one of them - they were welcome to it!) There's a great quote I've seen doing the rounds on Substack, most recently shared by @Don Boivin, which might help you to lean into those sorts of thoughts without feeling guilty about your privilege: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman
Absolutely, in my family there was definitely a Calvinist attitude towards work and life in general. Add to that a very strong focus on (financial) security and you have an excellent recipe for ‘sticking it out’ rather than taking a risk for a happier life.
I love that quote thought! Such a good reminder and definitely something I’m working on - the making myself feel alive part. For now mainly outside of work, but I don’t rule out that that will change ;)
Outside of work is so important too! And there's no pressure to make big changes, or to hurry. I knew from the earliest days that my job wasn't ultimately right for me, but I still stuck it out for five years and I don't regret it at all, or wish I'd moved faster. If ever the time is right, you'll know!
Yes, thank you for sharing that piece of grounding wisdom 🙏 There is no rush 😌
I loved this essay Kate, having just quit myself (sans magic mushrooms) I felt a hard relate to that feeling of losing your creativity to an overwhelming workload. I'm still worried on the daily about whether I made the right decision but reading your words was a little nod of reassurance x
I'm so glad! It is definitely not a fix-all because you do end up worrying about different things. But I think it is so worth it to have the mental space even if you end up going back to a similar job a few months later. Not sure if you've actually finished work yet but fwiw I was consumed with anxiety throughout my notice period. But once I actually left, it mostly went away - or at least became easier to deal with! Best of luck with your next chapter!
Just so perfectly captured and expressed. Thank you, Kate!
Thank YOU for reading and sharing! So glad it resonated 😊
Kate, I love this essay. I am always interested in reading about people who take the chance on changing their lives. The mushrooms-as-catalyst aspect is fascinating.
Twenty+ years ago my husband and I made the joint decision to walk (ok, drive) away from our traditional suburban life, his stressful job, and our separate and quite unequal roles as breadwinner and homemaker.
That decision changed everything.
I am grateful we were both equally up for taking the risk. Taking the first leap of faith makes the next one easier.
Thank you so much, Tina, I'm really glad you enjoyed it. The role of the mushrooms is fascinating to me too - I do wonder how long it would have taken me to reach that realisation without them. Perhaps we always need some kind of catalyst to give us the courage - in your case the fact that you had a partner in crime who was up for it too. Such wise words that 'taking the first leap of faith makes the next one easier', too - I definitely feel this. Since the mushroom experience I feel much less inclined to worry about all the bad things that *might* happen through taking a risk and more inclined to think of all the good things that *definitely won't* happen without taking one. Not to say I haven't had some horribly anxious moments about it all. But I have never doubted that it's the right thing to do.
Beautiful. Poetic. As an author, I too, can tell you that it's hard to keep the magic with the metrics. Thanks for such a thought-provoking essay. I am grateful.
Thank you so much, what kind words! I'm so glad it resonated for you 🥰
Mushrooms did a lot for me too. I think they take what’s already in your mind and refashion it so you understand it from an entirely new perspective. They helped me gain so many insights into my state of mind and while I gave them up quite some time ago, I’m kind of inspired to purchase some more.
I can totally understand how it was transformative for you! Best of luck on your new path.
Yes, that's spot on - I think that's exactly what they do! I hope you find something valuable if you decide to dabble again. And thank you so much for reading and commenting!
This was such a joy to read! I love that magic mushrooms opened you to the idea that you didn’t have to keep doing work you didn’t love. I’m not sure what moment that happened to me. I suppose it was more of a gradual dawning. Thank you for sharing my post. I’m honored to be included! And enjoy the writing!!
Thank you, Anne! Yes, I think the mushrooms told me something I already knew deep down, but I don't know how long it would have taken me to uncover that knowledge on my own. I am glad I had the realisation well before I burnt out! And of course, I couldn't not mention your essay. I feel very lucky that I get to write one in the same tradition!
Yes, so good that you are getting out while you’re still young! It is painful to go through burn out, and takes years to recover from it. I’m not entirely sure I ever will.
Yes, the more I read about it the more I understand how damaging it is. And it feels like no profession is free of that risk. Maybe gardening? 😂 It's one of the reasons I didn't want to pursue am academic career after my PhD, but it seems to lurk around every corner whatever you do, and you have to take very conscious and deliberate steps to avoid it. I had colleagues I could see were on the point of burning out and it felt like only a matter of time before we'd hear that so-and-so is on long term sick leave. I'm so sorry it has had such an impact on your life but glad you have got out of the rat race and are living your best life now!
You as well! You were smart to make a move now.
Absolutely loved this, kate!
Ah I'm so glad! Thank you for reading!
I had a similar experience during an incredibly awe-inspiring motorbike trip I have yet to write about. The boundaries of my mind just kind of melted and suddenly all at once I knew: I did not have to go back to my life — I could actually stay on the road — everything I thought I had to do was just fear-based... and so here I am, in Southeast Asia and on Substack. Here's to entering the unknown and following our creative passions to the end <3
Amen to that! I hope you write about your motorbike experience soon. And enjoy Southeast Asia!
Oh, Kate! I’m so sorry to hear of your experience having access to the numbers on your own book. That sounds so painful. I especially felt it when you said the book was no longer the fulfillment of a childhood dream but had become something else because you knew that information. ❤️
Thank you, Christianne! Yeah, it wasn't great 😕 Hopefully I can learn from it so that if I get to publish something again I will worry less about such things. The same goes for reading Goodreads reviews too...
This is a wonderful tale of liberation, Kate! I loved reading it following you along as you journeyed through work-related angst, psychedelic openings, swatting through the fog of your own resistance and fear, and out the other end to a work-life that sounds much more aligned with who you really are.
I took a very similar route -- working first 10 years in a career that I thought I was 'supposed' to be in, based on family and cultural expectations (I worked in the mental health field), until I got so burned out I knew I couldn't take another step. My punt, what I called my 'hail Mary pass,' was to go to a wildly alternative graduate school in San Francisco for a master's degree in cultural anthropology. I had absolutely no idea how I would make a living from this, nor did I have the money to pay for the degree (thousands of dollars of student loans!). It was an insane move by many standards. But it worked for me, and I have never regretted that choice for a moment. I've had some completely unexpected stops on the livelihood train since then, and many moments of uncertainty (and student loan debt!). But I am so grateful for the causes and conditions that took me in this direction.
I look forward to watching you continue on the next steps of your journey!
Thank you Maia, you sum it up so perfectly! And I'm so glad your insane move worked out - sometimes 'sanity' just means not being brave.
Kate, I adore your list of ways of keeping yourself open to magic. So many are mine too--the swimming in cold water and leaning against trees and singing particularly. Glad you've found space for this opening. And glad I was pointed to this post.
Thank you so much for reading! It's funny how those things are sort of a universal recipe for feeling open and connected 🥰
Cool essay - you heard the call and described it so well. I'm trying to figure all this out from scratch and picking up the pieces while wondering where is life really going. Loved the descriptions, it was very resonant :)
Thank you so much for reading and commenting - I'm so glad it was resonant for you!
This resonates with me so much. I’m so glad you took the leap to follow the magic. 🪄
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Kate, this is a writer’s writing. Well done. Truly.
My 95 year old mother has not forgiven me for leaving the corner office for a writing life. Thirty years ago!
You were fortunate to see behind the curtain of the old guard publishing world. What a great opportunity to make your brave decision and live in a world where Substack exists!
I am excited for you. I am excited for all of us.🩵✍🏻🩵
...and I've just noticed my misspelling of your name - so sorry! Autocorrect being 'helpful'. I did get it right the first time, I promise...
Thank you so much, Katherine! What a compliment. I love hearing about people who did this years ago and haven't looked back! I agree I am fortunate. On days when I was really stressed and hating what I was doing I would remind myself that it would all be useful to me someday, and I really believe that's true. I think it's always helpful to know how the systems that influence are lives actually work in practice. And I am excited too! I have no expectation that Substack will help me out on this journey, but lots and lots of hope that it will.
Beautifully put. Proud of you for taking the leap x
Thank you dearest Ellen! You set me a great example!